Walking Out Of Spiderwebs

I’m going to pull a total switch-a-roo on you all here. The past few days have been a progressively worse state of mass confusion for me in regards to the Cape Cod Classic. Something I was really excited about only a few short weeks ago suddenly became something I dreaded. I was continuing along with my post-Maine Event diet and workout plan but my head and heart just wasn’t in it anymore. I was exhausted, both physically and mentally, was going back and forth on what to do all week long in my head, and wasn’t sleeping well because of it. When thinking about future plans is causing you more stress than excitement, I think it’s a sign that it’s time to pull the plug. I’m not one to back out of a commitment (and feel a little bit disappointed in myself for doing so) but when I feel that its jeopardizing my own health and I really have nothing to gain by going through with it, taking a step back to recharge is probably in my best interest. It wasn’t about the experience any longer; it was solely about placing higher than I had before and when that is your only goal in such a subjective and unpredictable sport, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. It really hit home yesterday when I was driving back to the office at lunchtime and No Doubt’s “Spiderwebs” came on the radio. While the song is about something entirely different, this verse struck me:

Now it's gone too deep
You wake me in my sleep
My dreams become nightmares
'Cause you're ringing in my ears

That might sound like a bit of an exaggeration but it’s truly how I was feeling. The self-motivation just wasn’t there anymore and if I wasn’t giving it my all, I knew it would show through on stage as I’ve never been any good at hiding my true feelings in my facial expressions. It also didn’t help that my friend who I was planning on travelling and competing with suddenly was unable to go and while that shouldn’t have mattered (I had planned to do the show on my own long before she had decided to do it), it just added to my lack of interest in going through with it. My main goal of doing the CCC was to take one last stab at getting my pro card this year. While I know that my physique is in its best shape ever and I would have brought an even tighter package than at the Maine Event, so would the other competitors who were now planning to do both shows so I didn’t feel that this was a realistic goal any longer. Over the week I asked a few people who I thought might have some good advice for me and each time I just got the typical “go for it”, “you got this girl”, or “I think you have a shot” comments. I knew these people were just trying to be supportive but seriously, I rarely ask people for their opinion so when I do, I want honesty. Flattery isn’t going to get me anywhere. Finally yesterday one person laid it all out on the line in a straight-up manner and agreeing with his comments entirely, I decided to pull the plug. So, if you’re reading this thank you! I really appreciate when someone can tell you the facts without being critical, falsely flattering, or trying to persuade you one way or another.

In hindsight, I never should have signed myself up for the Maine Event. I got caught up in the excitement of seeing everyone’s back-and-forth Facebook chatter and after taking on the task of helping out a new competitor prepping for the event and being asked a bazillion times in the gym whether I was competing or not, I decided to jump the gun and add it to the list. If I had just focused all my efforts on the CCC, the outcome may not have been any different but I think I would have ended my competition season on a better note with a larger and more exciting event with less backstage drama. Looking back, something I really enjoyed about doing shows out-of-state this year is that I didn’t really know anyone else competing in bikini at the same time as me. I think my mental game stays on track a lot better when I don’t know who my competition is and it’s easier to just focus on myself. Coulda, woulda, shoulda…we live and learn I guess!

I think by Tuesday I had already realized that I no longer wanted to go through with it and the only thing holding me back was the money already invested. The show promoter was extremely nice and understanding and refunded my entrance fees. The tanning service was another story and I am taking a reluctant loss on that. I’m trying not to think about it but I can’t help but be bitter. I know their policy is no refunds but I would think a small company would entertain the occasional unusual circumstance for a repeat customer who even suggested, rather than a straight-up refund, to transfer the slot to another competitor or hold the deposit for a future show. Thanks for the understanding. You just lost my business (and likely that of anyone who asks me about your service in the future) for good.

So anyway, I’ve now entered the off season. Once I made my final decision yesterday I felt like a huge weight was being lifted off my shoulders and thus I knew I had made the right decision. I feel like I’m walking out of spiderwebs now rather than walking into them! It may seem lame to back out only a little more than week out but I truly think it’s for the best. I celebrated with an iced skim latte yesterday afternoon…man that dairy was good! I’m slowly increasing my calories and am going to try to build certain areas over the next 6 months or so before I entertain the idea of doing another show. I altered my October lifting plan last night, decreasing my scheduled cardio, and am forcing myself into mandatory Friday rest days! Aside from show weekends, I honestly cannot remember the last true rest day I took. My body needs it badly; especially my poor shins which I hope will finally heel so I can get back to building my booty!  My x-rays did finally come back and showed no visible bone fractures. I could go back for more thorough tests but I think it’s most likely just really bad splints that need rest to heal.

All-in-all aside from my latest change of heart and the ups-and-downs that come with competing, I feel that it’s the best decision I’ve ever made for myself. It gives me a constant goal and keeps me on track living a nutritiously and physically healthy lifestyle. I’ve met great like-minded people and made a lot of positive changes in my life. I still have things to work on but that’s just a part of life. Now that I don’t have a show in mind I can relax and spread my focus to other areas that are in need of serious improvement such as career! I’ll now have a little more time to focus on attracting new clients to FitFiercefun.com and allow myself a little more fun socializing on the weekends since I won’t be so exhausted and can have the occasional cocktail without feeling guilty about it. Anyway, I know this was a long post but I think writing these blogs are more for my own benefit than anything else. Sometimes writing things out is the best way to clear my head and regroup. Closure if you will. It’s Friday and not only am I not going to the gym, I am going to enjoy some delicious high-carb sushi for dinner tonight! Cheers to the weekend J